From time to time I read the personal ads on online newspapers, not because I am searching for the love of my life, but because they are quite humorous. The things people feel is important enough to say in such a limited amount of space… and those names! Here are some of my favorites from today’s selection:
FIT AND FUN says, “You are cordially invited to enjoy the company of a femme de certain age with a Southern flair, who celebrates the audacity of Sargent’s “Madame X”. Come explore the three Ts; travel, tennis, tango and bring along your joie de vivre.” [Notice there is no age requirement. You go Fit and Fun! My guess is she is a cougar. She does, however, get bonus points for the French phrases.]
A DISTINCTIVE J. WIDOWER is “Classy, tall, handsome, cultured, romantic, kind, trim, virile, with humor, panache, integrity, in the 70’s youngiche.” He is “Seeking slender, kind, flexible, feminine, affectionate, financially secure – upscale J. special woman 48-68 young for an enduring, loving Cohabitation and Sharing relationship.” [Notice how he slipped the word “flexible” so casually in there. And then asked for a 68 year old.]
MULTIMILLIONAIRE HUSBAND says, “I am a former German model seeking gentleman for taking care of me and I take care of you. Be serious as I am.” [Because she TOTALLY wants a loving relationship, not your money. No, seriously.]
The winner of today’s cutest personal ad goes to:
PRINCESS OF 2ND AVENUE who is “Held captive by rent stabilization waiting for 63+ knight on white horse to rescue her. Together we can float away to Broadway shows, cultural events, long walks and all of the 5 star coffee shops the city has to offer.” [This is by far the cutest ad I have come across.]
And the winner of today’s personal ad jackass goes to:
POLITICALLY INCORRECT WASP. Politically Incorrect Wasp is seeking an “irreverent, free spirited, good looking (once near beautiful), lady who would enjoy a complete relationship with me that would include my taking her to Europe, scenic Swat Valley etc. in any season, NY Philharmonic, theatre and appreciates/comfortable w/ fine Bordeaux, Cole Porter, Country Club atmosphere, N.E. college reunions & spending time in Westchester. She is 54-64, very slender (would have earlier had a Kim Basinger figure, now with a couple of new inches, but no bulging cellulitis) w/ pleasing voice/accent. Must exchange photos. I’m outspoken, informal/casual, slim, very in-shape, older (hit 70), attractive (once handsome), enjoy tennis/paddle and history related travel.” [Not only does this guy win because his name is completely AWESOME, but just reading this little paragraph about him tells me he is a complete ass. Let us examine the evidence: not only does she need to be good looking, but at some point in her life she should have been beautiful. He draws the ladies in with the “me taking her to Europe” which allows the gals to put the blinders on, so they won’t notice his description of what she MUST look like, because he did say “she is.” So even though he cares what the woman looks like now (and by that I mean no “bulging cellulitis”), at some point she should not only have been beautiful, but she should also have the body of Kim Basinger. So to sum up: this is an example of a guy who will always find faults in any girl he attempts to date. Congrats PIW! You win the jackass award of the month.]
So those are just some of the fun ones I found. As I look back at all the ads from today, I noticed they all (with the exception of three or four out of forty seven) have one thing in common. Everyone seems to be looking for a older guy/gal. And by older I mean 50’s-70’s. Does anyone else find that odd? No? Just me? Can you say gold digger? Can you say cougar?
And just an update: Hamlet is doing fine. He is swimming around his little tank and loving life as much as a fish can. I have three finals next week, then two more the following week. I am ready to be done with this semester! Now if you will excuse me, I have to go to my LAST linguistics class EVER!!!!!!!