Me: “Mom! I got all A’s this semester!!”
My mother: “I couldn’t be more proud than if you were my own daughter!”
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"Let me be cruel, not unnatural:
I will speak daggers to her, but use none"- Hamlet (Hamlet Act III Scene ii)
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Look it up:
(im·prob·a·ble_fic·tion) · .the randomness that is my life.
(im·prob·a·ble_fic·tion) 
Oh daughter, I’m sorry you found out this way. We were planning to tell you at Christmas. Together. It was going to be your big gift. I know, it’s kind of twisted.