Monthly Archives: May 2009

The Worst Answer to a Question Ever.

Lauren: “I want a communism flag.”

Cousin: “If you get that, I will never talk to you again.”

Lauren: “What is so bad about communism anyway?”

Cousin: “Um, I don’t know, let me think… THEY’RE COMMUNISTS!”

[Disclaimer: Calm down Internet. I don’t believe in communism. I belive in saying things that I know will get my cousin all riled up.]

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ANNOUNCEMENTS!

Internet! I am full of ANNOUNCEMENTS today!

First, I missed you, but I (think) I passed all of my exams. HUZZAH!

Second, I am joining up with CAL and his blog to talk about the female perspective of movies, music, TV, books, etc. In other words, I will be the voice of TRUTH. Check out his regular blog here. Check out my part here. BUT don’t worry, I will continue to update this blog with all of the witty, hilarious stories you are used to. It will just serve as an extra dose of Improbable Fiction, and WHO DOESN’T WANT THAT??

Third, on Cal’s blog he mentioned that he is two months away from the first year anniversary of his blog. This got me thinking about when I started my blog. So I go and look… and Internet, IT HAS ALREADY PASSED!!! While I was busy blogging every day in April it passed right by, unseen, unnoticed, and most importantly, uncelebrated. So I am declaring that at some point in the very, very near future I will give this blog the PROPER celebration it deserves.

Fourth, I moved out of my dorm (finally). It was a sad day for all… okay I can’t even continue with that lie. I mean it was kind of sad because I don’t particularly mind living in the dorms. They are quite convenient when you are running LATE for class, though that never happened to me, no not even once this semester. This is about the extent of what I my father had to move out of the dorms. I did what I do best- supervise.

movin on out

I had a tad bit more- just two suitcases filled with clothes and then there was a fan and stuff. But we got it done in record time! Then we went to my sister’s apartment, helped hang some stuff on the wallz and came home for what was the start of my SUMMER VACATION.

Oh Summer Vacation. I really, really, really do love you.

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She Should Know By Now That Half the Things I Say Are Movie Quotes…

Mother: “Well Lolly, how did you sleep?”

Lauren: “On me back Mush.”

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50 Things To Do Before I Die.

[I completely stole this from my friend Korianne.]

1. Complete NANOWRIMO by the end of the year (I’m not limiting it to one month, because with my schedule that will NOT happen).

2. Beat Cal‘s record of most movies watched in 24 hours.

3. Go on a roadtrip.

4. Visit a ghost town.

5. Go to Ireland.

6. Own over 1,000 books.

7. Marry the man I love.

8. Have kids.

9. Go to Disneyland and stand in front of Sleeping Beauty’s castle.

10. Go to the new Harry Potter theme park.

11. Have a huge collection of vintage cameras. (Current count: 3)

12. Teach kids the importance of reading.

13. Write the most obscure French phrase book and get it published.

14. Scrapbook more.

15. Mail a secret in to Postsecret.

16. Go to a paper town.

17. Learn to play the ukulele.

18. Own a puppy.

19. Learn Russian.

20. Become fluent in French.

21. See every single play/musical Norbert is in (from now until my time of death, obviously).

23. Make at least one piece of clothing from scratch.

24. Publish a joke in Readers Digest.

25. Cut a ribbon at some ribbon cutting ceremony.

26. Build something useful.

27. Work in an independent bookstore.

28. Write a short story about the most random thing ever.

29. Win a radio contest.

30. Go to the Tony Awards. (I don’t count on this EVER happening, but a girl can dream, right?)

31. Create an original recipe.

32. Learn how to play poker.

33. Bake a pie from scratch.

34. Go ONE day without sarcasm. Just one.

35. Read my life’s library.

36. Collect all of Jamie Oliver’s cookbooks (almost there) and make at least three things from each.

37. Write nice letters to my friends and family and mail them out on a semi-regular basis.

38. Compliment people daily.

39. Create a beautiful garden.

40. Learn to be patient.

41. Have my own darkroom for developing film and pictures

42. Collect rare and vintage books.

43. Create the PERFECT Halloween costume.

44. Volunteer more.

45. Buy flowers for a random person.

46. Write Korianne’s biography when she becomes a famous author.

47. Not cry when I watch Titanic.

48. Name a nail polish.

49. Write a children’s book and get it published.

50. Meet Matt Damon.

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[Insert Title of Your Choice Here]

Internet if there is one thing I hate, it is the sound of chewing. And I’m not just talking about chewing with your mouth open (which is completely disgusting) but I mean any kind of chewing. If I can hear it, I hate it. And yes, that includes my own chewing, which I realize may sound crazy but in case you haven’t ever read my blog before, I should probably point out now that I AM CRAZY.

Anywho, let me give you the setting of last night. Around some time late in the evening half a bottle of water spilled on my bed, resulting in me laying out my comforter to dry and changing the sheets because basically half of my bed was soaked. So I’m studying for exams, changing my sheets, listening to my darling roommate say “you wet the bed” “you wet the bed” OVER AND OVER again… I mean once is cute, two is annoying and any more than that calls for me to hit you. (I get violent around exam time btw.) So I finally decide that I can no longer study for my two exams because if I didn’t know the stuff at 1 in the morning, I wasn’t going to magically learn it all by the time of the test.

Well my roommate was working on this project that she has put off. It was due at 8 in the morning. She started it around 11pm. That was not a good idea. She has to have her lamp on (even though the entire project is on the computer, involving no papers or research that had to be done offline) which means the entire room was really bright because her lamp has such brightness that it puts the SUN to shame. So there I am, under a sheet, FREEZING because I don’t have a comforter, BLIND because I looked directly at the lamp on accident, and STRESSED about my exams. And then I hear it. She opens up something (I have no idea what) and starts to eat something. Which means I can hear her chewing LOUDLY, because her desk is VERY CLOSE to my bed. GOD alone knows what she was eating, but darn it all I wanted to slit my wrists. Then, suddenly, the chewing stops. It was such a relief. And then….. oh GOD! NO! SHE OPENS ANOTHER SNACK! AND THEN EATS IT!

I honestly don’t know how I survived the night.

And don’t you just love my new banner? It was created by THIS GUY.

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Open the Gates and Seize the Day

So my Jewish American Lit professor doesn’t believe in grades. No, I’m actually serious. He says if it were up to him, we wouldn’t get final grades; in fact, the only grade he would give out is a F and even then, the paper has to be pretty bad. So this entire semester he has not passed out a single grade yet, well as far as I know no one has yet received a F on any paper. But now I don’t know what my final grade is going to be. Supposedly no one in the class will get below a B (his words, not mine) so I am trying to go back over my papers and read the first line of every overall comment he makes at the end of the papers.

paper one: “Good job”

paper two: “Excellent!” (and it was underlined, no less)

paper three: “Excellent!” (again, underlined)

paper four: “Very good”

paper five: “Very good!”

paper six: “You make a very strong argument Lauren!”

paper seven: “Very good”

paper eight: “Very good” (underlined)

midterm one: “Very good”

midterm two: “Very good analysis, Lauren”

final rough draft: “You have a very good topic”

BUT WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? I has no idea, and this saddens me. Usually I can tell how I am going to do in all of my classes, but this one- I haven’t a clue. I mean, obviously a B or an A but…. grrr. Also, this post is me procrastinating on studying for my French and linguistics finals. Ahhhh I can’t wait for next week to be over with! Then I will be DONE with finals and  DONE with this semster!! WOOT!!!!

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AS I WALKED OUT ONE EVENING

As I walked out one evening,
Walking down Bristol Street,
The crowds upon the pavement
Were fields of harvest wheat.

And down by the brimming river
I heard a lover sing
Under an arch of the railway:
“Love has no ending.

“I’ll love you, dear, I’ll love you
Till China and Africa meet,
And the river jumps over the mountain
And the salmon sing in the street.

“I’ll love you till the ocean
Is folded and hung up to dry
And the seven stars go squawking
Like geese about the sky.

“The years shall run like rabbits,
For in my arms I hold
The Flower of the Ages,
And the first love of the world.”

But all the clocks in the city
Began to whirr and chime:
“O let not Time deceive you
You cannot conquer Time.

“In the burrows of the Nightmare
Where Justice naked is,
Time watches from the shadow
And coughs when you would kiss.

“In headaches and in worry
Vaguely life leaks away,
And time will have his fancy
To-morrow or to-day.

“Into many a green valley
Drifts the appalling snow
Time breaks the threaded dances
And the diver’s brilliant bow.

“O plunge your hands in water
Plunge them up to the wrist;
Stare, stare in the basin
And wonder what you’ve missed.

“The glacier knocks in the cupboard,
The desert sighs in the bed,
And the crack in the tea-cup opens
A lane to the land of the dead.

“Where the beggars raffle the banknotes
And the Giant is enchanting to Jack,
And the Lily-white Boy is a Roarer
And Jill goes down on her back.

“O look, look in the mirror,
O look in your distress;
Life remains a blessing
Although you cannot bless.

“O stand, stand at the window
As the tears scald and start;
You shall love your crooked neighbor
With your crooked heart.”

It was late, late in the evening
The lovers they were gone;
The clocks had ceased their chiming,
And the deep river ran on.

–W. H. Auden

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