Monthly Archives: May 2009

The Worst Answer to a Question Ever.

Lauren: “I want a communism flag.”

Cousin: “If you get that, I will never talk to you again.”

Lauren: “What is so bad about communism anyway?”

Cousin: “Um, I don’t know, let me think… THEY’RE COMMUNISTS!”

[Disclaimer: Calm down Internet. I don’t believe in communism. I belive in saying things that I know will get my cousin all riled up.]

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ANNOUNCEMENTS!

Internet! I am full of ANNOUNCEMENTS today!

First, I missed you, but I (think) I passed all of my exams. HUZZAH!

Second, I am joining up with CAL and his blog to talk about the female perspective of movies, music, TV, books, etc. In other words, I will be the voice of TRUTH. Check out his regular blog here. Check out my part here. BUT don’t worry, I will continue to update this blog with all of the witty, hilarious stories you are used to. It will just serve as an extra dose of Improbable Fiction, and WHO DOESN’T WANT THAT??

Third, on Cal’s blog he mentioned that he is two months away from the first year anniversary of his blog. This got me thinking about when I started my blog. So I go and look… and Internet, IT HAS ALREADY PASSED!!! While I was busy blogging every day in April it passed right by, unseen, unnoticed, and most importantly, uncelebrated. So I am declaring that at some point in the very, very near future I will give this blog the PROPER celebration it deserves.

Fourth, I moved out of my dorm (finally). It was a sad day for all… okay I can’t even continue with that lie. I mean it was kind of sad because I don’t particularly mind living in the dorms. They are quite convenient when you are running LATE for class, though that never happened to me, no not even once this semester. This is about the extent of what I my father had to move out of the dorms. I did what I do best- supervise.

movin on out

I had a tad bit more- just two suitcases filled with clothes and then there was a fan and stuff. But we got it done in record time! Then we went to my sister’s apartment, helped hang some stuff on the wallz and came home for what was the start of my SUMMER VACATION.

Oh Summer Vacation. I really, really, really do love you.

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She Should Know By Now That Half the Things I Say Are Movie Quotes…

Mother: “Well Lolly, how did you sleep?”

Lauren: “On me back Mush.”

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50 Things To Do Before I Die.

[I completely stole this from my friend Korianne.]

1. Complete NANOWRIMO by the end of the year (I’m not limiting it to one month, because with my schedule that will NOT happen).

2. Beat Cal‘s record of most movies watched in 24 hours.

3. Go on a roadtrip.

4. Visit a ghost town.

5. Go to Ireland.

6. Own over 1,000 books.

7. Marry the man I love.

8. Have kids.

9. Go to Disneyland and stand in front of Sleeping Beauty’s castle.

10. Go to the new Harry Potter theme park.

11. Have a huge collection of vintage cameras. (Current count: 3)

12. Teach kids the importance of reading.

13. Write the most obscure French phrase book and get it published.

14. Scrapbook more.

15. Mail a secret in to Postsecret.

16. Go to a paper town.

17. Learn to play the ukulele.

18. Own a puppy.

19. Learn Russian.

20. Become fluent in French.

21. See every single play/musical Norbert is in (from now until my time of death, obviously).

23. Make at least one piece of clothing from scratch.

24. Publish a joke in Readers Digest.

25. Cut a ribbon at some ribbon cutting ceremony.

26. Build something useful.

27. Work in an independent bookstore.

28. Write a short story about the most random thing ever.

29. Win a radio contest.

30. Go to the Tony Awards. (I don’t count on this EVER happening, but a girl can dream, right?)

31. Create an original recipe.

32. Learn how to play poker.

33. Bake a pie from scratch.

34. Go ONE day without sarcasm. Just one.

35. Read my life’s library.

36. Collect all of Jamie Oliver’s cookbooks (almost there) and make at least three things from each.

37. Write nice letters to my friends and family and mail them out on a semi-regular basis.

38. Compliment people daily.

39. Create a beautiful garden.

40. Learn to be patient.

41. Have my own darkroom for developing film and pictures

42. Collect rare and vintage books.

43. Create the PERFECT Halloween costume.

44. Volunteer more.

45. Buy flowers for a random person.

46. Write Korianne’s biography when she becomes a famous author.

47. Not cry when I watch Titanic.

48. Name a nail polish.

49. Write a children’s book and get it published.

50. Meet Matt Damon.

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[Insert Title of Your Choice Here]

Internet if there is one thing I hate, it is the sound of chewing. And I’m not just talking about chewing with your mouth open (which is completely disgusting) but I mean any kind of chewing. If I can hear it, I hate it. And yes, that includes my own chewing, which I realize may sound crazy but in case you haven’t ever read my blog before, I should probably point out now that I AM CRAZY.

Anywho, let me give you the setting of last night. Around some time late in the evening half a bottle of water spilled on my bed, resulting in me laying out my comforter to dry and changing the sheets because basically half of my bed was soaked. So I’m studying for exams, changing my sheets, listening to my darling roommate say “you wet the bed” “you wet the bed” OVER AND OVER again… I mean once is cute, two is annoying and any more than that calls for me to hit you. (I get violent around exam time btw.) So I finally decide that I can no longer study for my two exams because if I didn’t know the stuff at 1 in the morning, I wasn’t going to magically learn it all by the time of the test.

Well my roommate was working on this project that she has put off. It was due at 8 in the morning. She started it around 11pm. That was not a good idea. She has to have her lamp on (even though the entire project is on the computer, involving no papers or research that had to be done offline) which means the entire room was really bright because her lamp has such brightness that it puts the SUN to shame. So there I am, under a sheet, FREEZING because I don’t have a comforter, BLIND because I looked directly at the lamp on accident, and STRESSED about my exams. And then I hear it. She opens up something (I have no idea what) and starts to eat something. Which means I can hear her chewing LOUDLY, because her desk is VERY CLOSE to my bed. GOD alone knows what she was eating, but darn it all I wanted to slit my wrists. Then, suddenly, the chewing stops. It was such a relief. And then….. oh GOD! NO! SHE OPENS ANOTHER SNACK! AND THEN EATS IT!

I honestly don’t know how I survived the night.

And don’t you just love my new banner? It was created by THIS GUY.

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Open the Gates and Seize the Day

So my Jewish American Lit professor doesn’t believe in grades. No, I’m actually serious. He says if it were up to him, we wouldn’t get final grades; in fact, the only grade he would give out is a F and even then, the paper has to be pretty bad. So this entire semester he has not passed out a single grade yet, well as far as I know no one has yet received a F on any paper. But now I don’t know what my final grade is going to be. Supposedly no one in the class will get below a B (his words, not mine) so I am trying to go back over my papers and read the first line of every overall comment he makes at the end of the papers.

paper one: “Good job”

paper two: “Excellent!” (and it was underlined, no less)

paper three: “Excellent!” (again, underlined)

paper four: “Very good”

paper five: “Very good!”

paper six: “You make a very strong argument Lauren!”

paper seven: “Very good”

paper eight: “Very good” (underlined)

midterm one: “Very good”

midterm two: “Very good analysis, Lauren”

final rough draft: “You have a very good topic”

BUT WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? I has no idea, and this saddens me. Usually I can tell how I am going to do in all of my classes, but this one- I haven’t a clue. I mean, obviously a B or an A but…. grrr. Also, this post is me procrastinating on studying for my French and linguistics finals. Ahhhh I can’t wait for next week to be over with! Then I will be DONE with finals and  DONE with this semster!! WOOT!!!!

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AS I WALKED OUT ONE EVENING

As I walked out one evening,
Walking down Bristol Street,
The crowds upon the pavement
Were fields of harvest wheat.

And down by the brimming river
I heard a lover sing
Under an arch of the railway:
“Love has no ending.

“I’ll love you, dear, I’ll love you
Till China and Africa meet,
And the river jumps over the mountain
And the salmon sing in the street.

“I’ll love you till the ocean
Is folded and hung up to dry
And the seven stars go squawking
Like geese about the sky.

“The years shall run like rabbits,
For in my arms I hold
The Flower of the Ages,
And the first love of the world.”

But all the clocks in the city
Began to whirr and chime:
“O let not Time deceive you
You cannot conquer Time.

“In the burrows of the Nightmare
Where Justice naked is,
Time watches from the shadow
And coughs when you would kiss.

“In headaches and in worry
Vaguely life leaks away,
And time will have his fancy
To-morrow or to-day.

“Into many a green valley
Drifts the appalling snow
Time breaks the threaded dances
And the diver’s brilliant bow.

“O plunge your hands in water
Plunge them up to the wrist;
Stare, stare in the basin
And wonder what you’ve missed.

“The glacier knocks in the cupboard,
The desert sighs in the bed,
And the crack in the tea-cup opens
A lane to the land of the dead.

“Where the beggars raffle the banknotes
And the Giant is enchanting to Jack,
And the Lily-white Boy is a Roarer
And Jill goes down on her back.

“O look, look in the mirror,
O look in your distress;
Life remains a blessing
Although you cannot bless.

“O stand, stand at the window
As the tears scald and start;
You shall love your crooked neighbor
With your crooked heart.”

It was late, late in the evening
The lovers they were gone;
The clocks had ceased their chiming,
And the deep river ran on.

–W. H. Auden

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SWF seeking ND, D/D free, SWM for LTR.

From time to time I read the personal ads on online newspapers, not because I am searching for the love of my life, but because they are quite humorous. The things people feel is important enough to say in such a limited amount of space… and those names! Here are some of my favorites from today’s selection:

FIT AND FUN says, “You are cordially invited to enjoy the company of a femme de certain age with a Southern flair, who celebrates the audacity of Sargent’s “Madame X”. Come explore the three Ts; travel, tennis, tango and bring along your joie de vivre.” [Notice there is no age requirement. You go Fit and Fun! My guess is she is a cougar. She does, however, get bonus points for the French phrases.]

A DISTINCTIVE J. WIDOWER is “Classy, tall, handsome, cultured, romantic, kind, trim, virile, with humor, panache, integrity, in the 70’s youngiche.” He is  “Seeking slender, kind, flexible, feminine, affectionate, financially secure – upscale J. special woman 48-68 young for an enduring, loving Cohabitation and Sharing relationship.” [Notice how he slipped the word “flexible” so casually in there. And then asked for a 68 year old.]

MULTIMILLIONAIRE HUSBAND says, “I am a former German model seeking gentleman for taking care of me and I take care of you. Be serious as I am.” [Because she TOTALLY wants a loving relationship, not your money. No, seriously.]

The winner of today’s cutest personal ad goes to:

PRINCESS OF 2ND AVENUE who is “Held captive by rent stabilization waiting for 63+ knight on white horse to rescue her. Together we can float away to Broadway shows, cultural events, long walks and all of the 5 star coffee shops the city has to offer.” [This is by far the cutest ad I have come across.]

And the winner of today’s personal ad jackass goes to:

POLITICALLY INCORRECT WASP. Politically Incorrect Wasp is seeking an “irreverent, free spirited, good looking (once near beautiful), lady who would enjoy a complete relationship with me that would include my taking her to Europe, scenic Swat Valley etc. in any season, NY Philharmonic, theatre and appreciates/comfortable w/ fine Bordeaux, Cole Porter, Country Club atmosphere, N.E. college reunions & spending time in Westchester. She is 54-64, very slender (would have earlier had a Kim Basinger figure, now with a couple of new inches, but no bulging cellulitis) w/ pleasing voice/accent. Must exchange photos. I’m outspoken, informal/casual, slim, very in-shape, older (hit 70), attractive (once handsome), enjoy tennis/paddle and history related travel.” [Not only does this guy win because his name is completely AWESOME, but just reading this little paragraph about him tells me he is a complete ass. Let us examine the evidence: not only does she need to be good looking, but at some point in her life she should have been beautiful. He draws the ladies in with the “me taking her to Europe” which allows the gals to put the blinders on, so they won’t notice his description of what she MUST look like, because he did say “she is.” So even though he cares what the woman looks like now (and by that I mean no “bulging cellulitis”), at some point she should not only have been beautiful, but she should also have the body of Kim Basinger. So to sum up: this is an example of a guy who will always find faults in any girl he attempts to date.  Congrats PIW! You win the jackass award of the month.]

So those are just some of the fun ones I found. As I look back at all the ads from today, I noticed they all (with the exception of three or four out of forty seven) have one thing in common. Everyone seems to be looking for a older guy/gal. And by older I mean 50’s-70’s. Does anyone else find that odd? No? Just me? Can you say gold digger? Can you say cougar?

And just an update: Hamlet is doing fine. He is swimming around his little tank and loving life as much as a fish can. I have three finals next week, then two more the following week. I am ready to be done with this semester! Now if you will excuse me, I have to go to my LAST linguistics class EVER!!!!!!!

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Bullshish Recommends [A Working Title]

So if you have ever read more than one post on this blog, I am sure you have heard of this person I like to call Cal. He blogs about movies and if you so care to, check out his blog here. Now, both Cal and I love the movies. Sometimes I will recommend a movie to him that he has never seen, and he recommends one to me (that I have never seen, obviously). And then we watch them on our own time and Cal ends up blogging about the movies he has had to watch. And me? I usually tell him over an AIM conversation what I thought about the movie and leave it at that.

Well there is a new factor in this movie trade-off thing. I like to call this new factor Doug. Doug read Cal’s blog and wanted to find out what I thought of my latest movie when, ALAS! He came to my blog and found a post about Hannah Montana. Now I happen to think Hannah Montana is AWESOME. Apparently Doug does not. And he was disappointed that I left no reviews to my movies.

Well Internet, I hate to disappointment any of my beloved readers, so now you will get to enjoy a monthly (or, at least, sort of monthly) review of the movies I have been forced to watch. Do not expect them to be expert reviews. Nor will they be long, detailed reviews of the directing and cinematography, etc. Instead I will offer you a more real review, such as why I like it, why I don’t like it, what went through my mind while watching it- that sort of thing. So enough RAMBLING Lauren! Let’s get to the MOVIES!

1. The Boondock Saints

Irish men. Sigh.

Cal gave me this movie because I forced him to watch 13 Going On 30. Supposedly when given a “girly” movie Cal dishes out a movie full of insane amounts of blood and guts and gore and things of the like. Turns out he really liked his movie (read his review here) and I liked this one. Of course, he should know better than to “retaliate” with bloods and guts and stuff, because those movies really don’t bother me. At least, for the most part. There were a couple moments in this one where I couldn’t watch a particular killing scene, but those were very rare. And now for the girly part of the review (expect it in a lot of my reviews), the two leading men were Irish. I have a weakness for Irish accents so that was quite nice. Overall I really enjoyed this movie. Except Willem Dafoe got creepier by the minute. Really, he freaked me out. But I would watch this again.

Movie considered: A Success!

2. Boiler Room

Not a movie about boilers trapped in a room.

I had Cal watch Charlie Bartlett (which he didn’t particularly care for… a horrible thing, I KNOW) and he gave me this movie, which I loved. I like Vin Diesel well enough and he did a great job. I also love Giovanni Ribisi (mainly because of his character on FRIENDS) and he did a fantastic job. Story wise I really liked the movie. It never really seemed slow at any certain point, and all of the actors did a convincing job. Sure, they were all pricks, but they were convincing pricks. I really don’t know what else to say about this movie (I told you these weren’t going to be amazing reviews). I liked it, and so should you.

Movie considered: A Success!

3. Rounders

MMMMM MAT DAMON

Oh Cal. Bless your little heart- you gave me a movie with MATT DAMON in it. And I didn’t even ask for it! It must be Christmas. Don’t worry Internet. I gave him a TOTALLY AMAZING MOVIE by the name of Walk The Line. And since he is a smart person, he liked it. I, on the other hand, didn’t find this movie as thrilling as I thought I would. Putting aside my pure love for the Matt Damon, and even the Edward Norton, I thought this movie moved incredibly slow. Then again, Cal was pressuring me into watching it RIGHT THEN. Because I did wait a long time to watch it. But that is besides the point. I should probably watch it again sometime to see if it still seems to be a four hour movie, but the thought of watching a movie that long (unless the name starts with The and ends with Lord of the Rings) seems like a punishment. Don’t get me wrong, I liked the overall plot of the movie and I must admit that the last 20 or so minutes really picked things up and I got excited and nervous and so emotional. Okay, not *that* emotional, but still. The last 20 minutes are worth the wait.

Movie considered: Not That Successful!

4. Office Space

office_space

I assigned Cal The Breakfast Club and he assigned me Office Space. After watching the movie I was surprised with how much I have actually seen from random viewings on TV. Because this movie seems to be on TV a lot. Anywho, I really liked it.  The main character- Peter is a great example of sticking it to the man. And the boss was absolutely horrible. And that Milton character did a fantastic job at making me want to scratch out my eyes every time he attempted to utter a sentence.

Movie considered: A Success!

5. Once

Sing us a song

For some unknown, tragic reason, Cal had never seen The Shawshank Redemption, which I consider an absolute CRIME. (See what I did there… crime… prison movie… never mind). Shawshank is seriously such an AMAZING movie I want to talk about it instead of my movie. But that is not how things work on this post. Not to say I disliked Once; I thought it was a very beautiful movie. I liked the music and their voices together were incredible. They really deserved the Oscar win. It was, however, different from what I thought it was going to be. Meaning, I didn’t know anything about the plot before watching it, and I thought they travel the whole movie, etc. Alas, I was wrong, though the actual plot was just as good as I imagined it. Overall I felt like it had some sort of underlying, melancholy theme. Not because of the ending necessarily, but for some reason it left me feeling a little sad, and I can’t really do a good job of explaining why. But I think everyone should see this movie. The story telling is beautiful and you just can’t help but love it.

Movie considered: A Success!

6. E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial

Phone Home

I had absolutely no interest in this movie. Cal had absolutely no interest in Breakfast At Tiffany’s, so it seemed like a fair trade. Overall I liked this movie. I mean, when I say I had no interest in it, I REALLY did NOT want to watch it. In fact, I complained to my roommate for almost the first ten minutes of the movie. But somehow I managed to get through it, a large part due to the fact that Elliott was played by the most adorable kid IN THE WORLD. I also couldn’t help but stare at Michael’s teeth. I’m sorry if that makes me a horrible person, but I just happen to notice teeth. Anywho, the whole scene where ET was drunk was probably my favorite scene. It actually made me laugh out loud. In the end I came to really like the movie; I’ll admit it was better than I thought it was going to be. All in all I would probably watch it again.

Movie considered: A Moderate Success!

So there you go. My quick, not so great reviews of the first five movies of the trade-off. I’ll probably update every five, so have fun waiting! And if you don’t like my reviews, I am sorry. But I am afraid this is the best I can do.

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“Is so0o hot cuz it’s 90 degrees outside and my dad just blew up my car :-(“

The title of this post is just another outrageous facebook status. Sometimes the things people write are utterly hilarious.

Yesterday my mother and I went to see 17 Again, and I must say it was a whole heck of a lot better than I thought it was going to be. I mean, the previews looked really good and it *did* have ZAC EFRON (shirtless, might I add) in it, so how bad could it be, right? I know, first Hannah Montana and then this? Not saying a lot for my choice of movies, unless you are a teenage girl, but honestly it was really good. And for once I really liked everyone in the cast. I was surprised to see Melora Hardin (Jan from The Office) in this movie, as well as her role in Hannah! She was great. I was also pleasantly surprised that Jim Gaffigan had a cameo role as the basketball coach. It was nice seeing Michelle Trachtenberg again, as I haven’t seen her in anything in a while (no, I don’t watch Gossip Girl though I am contemplating starting). I don’t remember seeing her since Harriet the Spy or that Ice Princess movie on ABC. Like always, she did a really good job.

Zac Efron did a really good job proving he can actually act as well as sing and still look pretty doing it. Perhaps it was just the fact that he didn’t have to try so hard to save each scene like he did in High School Musical because that Vanessa Hudgens wasn’t there, whoreing up every scene with her god-awful acting and even more god-awful singing. (I REALLY can’t stand her). Anyways, point being- he can act nicely. Matthew Perry was really great too, though he didn’t have that big of a role considering the majority of the movie revolved around the 17 year old version of himself. Leslie Mann did a great job as the mother, but the real scene-stealer was Thomas Lennon as the insanely odd best friend Ned. This is a guy who is obsessed with Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, etc. He is the kind of guy you hang out with but don’t want anyone else to know you hang out with. Basically he was my favorite character.

Anyway, to come to some sort of point, you should just forget about your pride and go see this movie. Stop being a little film snob who overlooks such “teen movies.” Because, if I haven’t mentioned it before, you are missing a chance to see Zac Efron without his shirt a really good movie.

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