no more pencils, no more books…

I am so happy school is over with. Which, for me, is unusual because I loved school which, for others, is unusual. But I have always love school. Last year my best friend decided she did not want to come back to the university I am at now. I finally realize why, and I have accepted it, but friends are pretty much on low with me. I have suite mates that I hang out with, but I am more like a third wheel, and I don’t think they really want me there 98% of the time. I also think they use me when they need to vent or when the other one isn’t there or when I have something they need. Don’t get me wrong, I love them deeply, it’s just not the ideal friend situation…for me anyway.

And I have a couple of other friends who I realized only really called me to do stuff when they had problems going on in their life. I am a great listener. FANTASTIC. Because that is really all I did this semester. listen to their problems and help them sort their life out. And I know that I only did it to myself, that I should have just told them I was busy or whatever, but I was extremely lonely this year. So i suppose having friends that use you is better than having no friends at all.

And all of this just makes me think. what is wrong with me? why don’t I have more friends? As far as I know I don’t do anything to offend people or to make them not want to hang out with me…and as I reflect on this nightmare of a semester I realize I am a rather selfless person. not to brag or anything but it just doesn’t add up. I talked with my mom about it a couple of times this semester, usually while crying my eyes out, and she said the same things, which are all true (i suppose) but she is my mother and of course she thinks its silly people do not want to hang out with me.

I sound like a loser right now. but its just so frustrating. I don’t know. I am just glad school is out. Well at least I think I am. I don’t really feel anything emotionally right now. I was not sad at all when I said bye to my friends this semester…I was not relieved when the play was over…I wasn’t upset that they got everything wrong and didn’t give me credit in the program for the play…I was not relieved to come home…nothing. I am feeling nothing. and I have no idea why.

I am trying to start looking for graduate schools, and I think I found a couple of possibilities, but of course they are at expensive schools. However I did find a loop hole. If I apply and become a T.A. (teachers assistant) not only is my tuition waived, but I also get PAID. PAID TO GET MY MASTERS. amazing no?? I just am worried if I don’t get it. I can not ask my parents to take out yet another loan. They are being so amazing by paying for my college now, and they even worked it out to where I can go study in London this coming semester. I don’t have the heart to ask for another $36,000 so I can get my masters at a school I would love to be going to now.

I also hate hate hate telling my mother I loath the school I am at now. But I really do. I do not want her to feel like she is paying for a school I do not appreciate. The school in general is making, to me at least, some pretty bad decisions, and I do not agree with some of the rules etc. that they have. I do love the education department (my major) but even it has flaws. I know if I go to another school I will not find a department as good as this one in some areas, but in other areas I think other schools will rise much higher. I will admit that I can be stubborn and impatient, and I think I def. was when it came to choosing my college. I saw that this school had my exact major, secondary english education, whereas other schools had one or the other or where I had to major/minor or double major. I think I let that influence my decision, and I kick myself for it now.

On the other hand, if I did not choose to go to this particular university, who knows if I ever would have gone to France, or if I would be studying in England this upcoming semester. I don’t understand it, but I think God has a special way of blessing us in spite of our mistakes. Was this university the original plan He had for me? I have no idea. Did I ask Him if it was where I should go? Sadly, I don’t really remember. As much as I want to transfer, I think I will stick it out here, and look elsewhere for my masters degree. Maybe.

I just hope I can make it. Just thinking about it and certain professors makes me want to cry.

thanks for letting me vent.

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